"Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan. I just wish I'd realized at the time, he was talking about MY life."
-Lucy (played by Sandra Bullock) in While You Were Sleeping
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I tend not to bear my heart and soul on this blog. Mainly, I get uncomfortable when others are extremely open with their feelings online so I figure I better keep mine in check as to not inflict the same awkwardness on others. However, I figure I can let things out once in awhile. This is who I am, after all.
Trials. We all have them. We all struggle from time to time. Death, sickness, unemployment, divorce.
My biggest trial is infertility. I thought the day I gave birth to Elisabeth that this trial was officially over. The years of losing babies, expensive infertility treatments, tests and secretly disliking any woman who could get pregnant on their own were over. I was happy to put those dark years behind me and be grateful for the wonderful blessing I now have running through my house, drinking out of the dog dish and saying "No" even when she means yes.
Boy, was I ever wrong. Little did I know after you have one child, you are now graduated to the secondary infertility club. One miscarriage and another failed treatment proves this realization. Elisabeth wasn't the end to my problems having children. She was just a blessed peak in a reproductive life filled with valleys. I have quite a few friends who can't or never were able to have children. I feel so blessed to have the sweet girl I have now. So why the frustration?
I still occasionally grieve for the sweet, naive dreams I had as a newly wed of our six (yes, I wanted six children.) equally spaced children filling our home with happiness. With the rates of IVF and my age slowly creeping past 30, I doubt there will ever be six. I am not even 100% sure there will be more than one. Isn't that silly? Grieving for a dream? Maybe so. Yet, it is who I am.
One thing is for sure. God has a plan for me. I know this with a surety. Will Elisabeth ever have another sibling? I am sure she will. If treatments don't work, adoption is definitely an option. I pray ever day that I can BE STILL and know God is in charge of my life. Just bare with me as we continue on this infertility journey that never ends. . . Some days are hard. Others are better. Yet is is never easy.
Graduate school is my saving grace right now. If I can't be the old woman who lives in a shoe, getting an education in something that I am passionate about is a wonderful alternative. Maybe what I was meant to do all along.
Enough of making myself vunerable. Stay tuned for cute videos and ramblings about the life of a mother/graduate student/wife/dog owner.
4 comments:
(((hugs))) You're awesome.
I love you Kristi!! Don't feel bad about letting your feelings out. We're all here for each other and we all can feel each other's pain, even if our trials are all different. Our dreams can change over time as we really understand God's will for us. Sometimes, it is a very tough thing to deal with. God does have a plan...that I am sure of. (I'm thinkin' I need to take my own advice right now:)) My cousins are part of an online infertility blog and I've read it many times and have been touched and edified. Here's the address if you are interested:
http://infertilesisters.blogspot.com/
Love you!
Em
You are such an eloquent writer! I so wish I could put my thoughts into words as well as you have.
I understand the 6 children thing. I always wanted 4, but feel the same way. Right now one would be nice, but now the dream has been sized to 3. Good luck and thanks for sharing your frustrations. It's good to know I'm not alone.
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